201th POST

it's surprising how the smallest things in life can make you re-think the way you've been living it. for me, that small thing was the little "rhyme" that i posted recently. that lewd and obscene one about whores and sex. yes, that one.

i guess it's true when justin says that i've changed. i keep denying it each time he laments on it, but then again, who likes to admit they've changed? especially if its for the worse.
poly certainly has been a real change of environment for me. the freedom, the responsibility, the liberty and of course the overall openess of almost everyone in there. for me, those have proved as a double-edged sword.

i won't say you're wrong if you say i've been flirting a lot ever since school started. sure, i could say that its just normal for guys my age, but like what justin likes to say, "the old bryan would take it that far". heck, i even got myself a wallet with a rather kinky looking nurse on it. and i'm freaking proud of it! showing off to anyone who hasn't seen it. the old bryan could say some pretty dirty stuff, but certainly wouldn't take things this far.

i won't say you're wrong if you say i've become exponentially more bitchy over the last few weeks. yes, i made the promise to myself that despite the reputation my course came with, i would never give people the chance to place me under the "bitch" folder. but then, i guess, more or less, you could say i've broken that promise. gossip has become almost a daily pastime for me. i always tell myself, "damn! why'd you say that?", and then just go on to tell another person the very thing i regretted blurbing out. at times, i even get a kick out of it. not to mention, my actions have also become more bitchy. "puh-lease". "what-evaar". the exaggerated gesticulations. they've become the new partners to my voice in almost every conversation i have. tell me how all that doesn't qualify me under the bitch category.

i won't say you're wrong if you say i've become more superficial and materialistic. joining water polo was something i've never regretted since i joined 4weeks ago. but then i think about why i joined in the first place and realize, that actually, it was for the "swimmer's bod". figure was something i was pretty obssesed about ever since i lost weight, but i never thought that i'd join a CCA 90% for the body it'd give me. its like, everytime a person asks me why i joined, i'd prolly say, "oh. can be hot what!". plus, ever since i got a major increase in my allowance, i've been shopping excessively. every weekend i go out (not blaming the people i go out with, serious), i spend. whether it's on some food that i can afford not to eat, clothes that i can afford not to buy or simply a coffee that i can afford not to drink, i spend. now you know why i don't really like having the ATM card.

i won't say you're wrong if you say i've become somewhat a "sunday christian". something i have always tried to shun away from. old habits and vices have been on a high in recent weeks. like why? why the sudden succumb to temptation? and my prayer walk has been shaky too. i only pray when i remember to actually think about it. and most of the time, i pray out of fear. fear that if i don't, God won't help me out in my day ahead. and to think each time i pray, i say i'm grateful to Him for everything in my life. if i was grateful, this wouldn't be happening. plus, my actions these weeks haven't exactly been that good, in terms of morals and ethics.

finally, i won't say you're wrong if you say i feel like a total idiot and tard now. i know i've changed for the worse (imagine the shock of people who haven't seen me since school started!). i know i have to do something about it. and yes, i'm not going to leave it lieing around. it's going to get better. trust me.

and, in no way is this post some kind of plea for sympathy or attention. i don't want any one getting the idea that i'm just be-moaning myself and saying that i'll try to change and all, just so people will offer me nice words. i'm not that kind of person. you may say i'm only typing this "disclaimer" to dispell any airs of guilt i have around me, but then if you think in that, or any other similiar way, then all i say, think what you want.

this post's pretty serious, cause i'm re-assesing my life. but don't worry, i'm not going emo! watch out for a better me in the coming weeks.

till next time!