ALONE

it's rare that i'm totally alone at home.
so, i reallly made use of the time to reflect on my past 2 weeks or so. in which i said i would change certain things, get over certain stuff. i realized that, i've been living behind a self-created facade for the past few months. things like danafever, oh-man-farhanah-is-so-pretty, the glam squad, flirting, bringing the janice thing up. all a fa-ka-deh. all just to mask the fact that i myself am unable to let go. i hate to lose. i hate to not get what i aim for. and i hate to just give up. which is why i push myself in water polo to make sure i finish my laps even if i'm dead tired. which is also why i dislike myself for not being able to let go. i hate that i am losing to my feelings. to my heart. but it's a battle i've fought for such a long time. and i admit, i've lost. who likes defeat anyway? so maybe there's something more to it here. maybe there's a reason for my failure to let go. maybe i'm just supposed to hold on. and on. and on. and on.

maybe.
maybe, that's what i have to do, to really let go.

ok, feelings and matters of the hears aside. i came across another thing during my self-reflection. which is, i've been spending way too much money. i know $75 per week is freaking a lot for a 17 year old's allowance. which is why i'm freaked out by my spending habits. i can just blow that, and even more within a single outing. so, yes. spending habits must change. but first, great singapore sale. then come and talk about saving.

then, there's the fact that i've began, or rather am continuing, the whole procrastination business. so yeah, i work damn much better under pressure. but i realize, that shouldn't be an excuse to leave my work all to the last minute. like literally. time management, must change for the better.

alright, i know such posts on my self-reflection sound really emo-rific and all. so, i'll stop here. besides, i need to go get my proj. , WHICH I HAD 7 WEEKS TO DO, started on. see?
well, till next time!

and damn your smile