i really wonder how, sometimes, i can feel so optimistic that i just seem plain deluded, and how sometimes, i can be so negative that you'd ask me why i even bothered to start it in the first place.

what is it that makes me optimistic?
why is it i have such attacks of negativity?
who should i really be fighting, waiting for?
where will this entire thing take me?
how can i find out whether what i'm doing is right or woth it?

then again, life's one big risk. and no one ever said it'd be easy.

i'll go back to the start. the very,very start. and try to find out what set me on this journey in the first place.

am i running in circles? does my heart speak louder than the facts that revolve around me?

or is being negative wrong? and would i be doing the right thing, in taking this HUGE dive, and making the commitment, when i have no conformation, or even a hint, that at the end of it lies something worth waiting for.

should i even expect something at the end of it? is it wrong if i feel stupid in the case that i wait for nothing?

is this a test from you God? how do i tell? when will You show me what i'm supposed to do? am i doing the right thing by commiting to this? is there something greater in store, and that this is just a stepping stone for me to attain it? when will i learn to trust Your plan wholly?

will it be a shame if i failed? what if everything i've held dear to me crumbles at the end of this?

so many questions. so little answers.

such a big task to ask of myself. such little certainty over whether it's worth it.

at the bottom of it all, i just want to know,

what should i do?