AT A LOST

i don't know if sibling-hood is supposed to be like this. i don't know if younger brothers have to be irritating.

i wonder if it is because you are bored. i wonder if it is because you want attention.

i ask myself if this is just your personality. i ask myself why does it always rain on me.

mum says that i should be more tolerant. mum says that you don't act this way in front of anyone except me.

i ask you why do you do this to me when you jolly well know it irritates the hell out of me.

i want to just hit you and tell you to stop everytime you pull something out of your bag of "special treatment". be it the duck-waddle, the spastic clapping, the hunching, the look of low self-esteem, whatever.

when i do raise my voice, you go to mum/dad or just ignore me.

mum thinks i like to thumb you down by criticizing the way you act. mum says i should just ignore you.

well, one thing's for sure, and that's that i really hate all those antics of yours. you're 14. grow up.

if what i'm thinking is wrong, and all these actions are just part of your personality and not a show to irritate me, then i think it'd be very sad.

because i think it's not nice to try to change a person's personality, no matter how bad i see it. everyone's unique and deserves to live out their personalities. so even if the personality is bad, i'll live with it and try to deal with it.

which would mean i hate your personality. don't ask me why, those weird act-cute voices you put on, those unnecessary movements and the sometimes incessant poking of me; i can't stand them.

so sorry if all those stuff you do is your personality. so sorry i really, really can't stand them and there is, as far as now is concerned, not a chance of me changing my view of them.

because then, i'd leave you alone. because i don't want to try to change who you are.

then i'd put on a mask. then i'd act as if i'm fine with what you do.

and then...our relationship would all just be a beautiful lie.

i wouldn't want that to happen.

considering that we're brothers by blood, you and I.